Pwn The Net

The bathroom is supposed to be the place where a person goes to clean themselves. Hence the name: BATH-room. Things like taking a bath, showering, and washing in the sink all serve this purpose. The American toilet, however, does not belong in a place meant for cleaning yourself. It belongs back outside in an outhouse, where it originally came from.

The toilet is nasty. It is for relief from #1 and #2, with the occasional upchuck as well. By just touching any part of the toilet you dirty yourself. The lid, the bowl, the seat, the handle, and even the tank are covered in a thin layer of fecal matter and urine that spreads germs all over your bathroom every time you flush.

The #1 Problem

Taking a piss in a toilet is problematic for both men and women.

For men pissing in the toilet is absurdity. First a man must touch underneath the seat, a very unclean place, to lift up both the seat and the lid. Then after dirtying his hands he must touch and contaminate his own manhood in order to aim into the bowl. From a height of approximately 3 feet off the ground the yellow liquid then falls into the bowl approximately 1 foot off the ground filled with water, where considerable splashing occurs. Urine ends up splashing out onto the rim and outside of the bowl, onto the lifted seat and lid, and onto the man’s legs/pants and shoes. Most American businesses have realized this problem and appropriately installed urinals in men’s bathrooms that prevent spattering, but in the average American house men are stuck peeing 5+ times into a device they should only use one time a day for another purpose… oh yeah, and then the guy has to close the lid. Fuck that!

For women the problem is just as bad. After pulling down her drawers a woman must sit down on a disgusting seat and pee into a bowl filled with water. Splashing occurs with the woman as well, getting urine on the woman’s vulva, buttocks, and thighs, and also getting urine on the underside of the seat. To clean herself the woman has toilet paper available. Toilet paper does not actually clean anything, but I’ll get back to this later.

The #2 Problem

The toilet was designed for dropping a deuce, however it fails miserably.

For guys the round seat of the toilet is designed horribly. Clearly the designer of the home toilet was a woman because when a guy sits down on a round seat his junk has a bad habit of touching the front of the seat. So guys have to lean forward while crapping, sit on the back part of the seat (the part that experiences the most splashage), and hold their manhood downward with their hand to avoid touching it to the seat. The guy now risks splashing his penis, buttocks, and thighs, while also putting his holding hand at risk of contamination. Many public bathrooms have solved this problem by installing horseshoe shaped seats, but round seat are still found in most homes.

For both men and women #2 becomes a problem because of the water in the toilet. The water in the toilet helps to soften stools, reduce smells, and make flushing easier. When a log drops into the water, however, it has a tendency to cause blow-back (in other words your asshole gets a cold wet surprise). To prevent this many people recommend laying out a sheet or two of TP first, but when the log happens to be large or comes out quickly, splashing is almost inevitable. If the ’surprise water’ was clean this would not be so bad, but this is filthy toilet water that has been sitting in the nasty bowl for hours if not days. And if this happened to be your 2nd or 3rd log, or you decided to do a one-two combo… ugh!.. you get the idea.

Toilet Paper Does More Harm Than Good

Within arms length of the toilet, the toilet paper rests on it’s roll. Toilet paper is designed to decompose in sewers and septic tanks. This basically means that it is so thin that it will start decomposing the instant that it touches a liquid. While wiping, the second TP touches even a drop, the whole wad of sheets you were using absorbs the liquid and becomes infected with nastiness. So it is basically impossible to wipe your ass and keep your hand anywhere close to sanitary, but most people knew this already.

The part that people don’t know about is what you actually do with the toilet paper. You are scraping and smearing fecal matter around your asshole, until you have either scraped away or rubbed any remaining shit into the skin around your asshole (like you would lotion). In fact toilet paper is so good at smearing shit that as people get older they end up with darkened skin around their asshole. (Yes, seriously, go look at your asshole in the mirror. It gets worse as you get older.) Anal bleaching has become the latest cosmetic procedure to combat this staining. Other evidence of toilet papers incredible ability to smear is that women are advised to use toilet paper to wipe in one direction only (to avoid vaginal infections).

Appropriately toilet paper should be renamed ’smear tissue.’

The European Solution: The Bidet

A bidet is a round basin that looks a lot like a toilet that squirts water upward so that you can clean your private parts. After you have gotten filthy from the toilet you can actually clean yourself using the bidet. Bidets have been around in European bathrooms since the 1900s. They are considered cleaner than toilet paper alone because they use water to clean. The problem however is that a Bidet takes up a toilet sized space and most people don’t have the additional space available in the bathroom. You must also straddle the bidet which means that you have to physically take off your pants or shorts. Combination toilet/bidet models are expensive and they are difficult to keep clean. And with the possibility of spraying shit water on your privates combo bidets have failed to take hold in the US.

The Asian/Middle Eastern Solution: The Squat Toilet

Asians may have not solved the wiping/cleaning problem, but they have solved many of the spraying problems with their version of the toilet: the squat toilet. A squat toilet is like having a miniture bathtub dug out of the bathroom floor that you squat down to use. It contains little water so splashing is reduced to a minimum, and your butt never touches a nasty seat either. The squatting position also makes it much easier to drop a deuce. However, the average lazy American cannot actually squat making the use of these toilets nearly unheard of in the US. The squatting position also makes it especially difficult to do things like read a newspaper or eat a meal. The squat toilet’s biggest downfall comes with the runs. Explosive diarrhea tends to spray shit everywhere because there is no bowl to contain the mess. Oh yeah, and you’re still stuck with TP.

The #2 High-Tech, Japanese Solution: The Washlet

The washlet, a high-tech bidet/toilet seat, is the solution that Japan has found to #2, but it still has it’s problems. This $500 seat replaces a normal toilet seat and makes #2 much cleaner. It’s operated by remote control so you don’t have to touch the lid or the handle, just the remote. You still have to sit on a nasty and round toilet seat, but at least the seat is heated. Like a bidet you use water, instead of toilet paper, to clean. The cleaning spray nozzle is retracting and self-cleaning, preventing the possibility of nasty water being sprayed on your privates. The cleaning water is also heated and you can aim where you want it to spray. When you are done cleaning, the seat then uses an air drier to dry your ass. I gotta admit I was impressed.

So the washlet has basically solved all of the womens problems by allowing her to clean any body parts that the toilet has dirtied. I’m sure they could fix the roundness problem by making an elongated/horseshoe model for men.

Still the washlet is just a toilet seat and does nothing to solve the guy’s problem of splashing piss all over the place while peeing into a bowl. The only foreseeable solution is one that most women loathe: start putting urinals in every bathroom.

The #1 Solution For Men: Stop Lifting The Toilet Seat

Women need to understand the guys problem, and the only way that they will understand this problem is if they experience it first hand. This means WAR! By keeping the toilet seat down, you will ensure that when you pee the sitting surface will become just as dirty and nasty as your legs and shoes. Women will never put up with a urine covered toilet seat. After a while they will lose their firm stance on urinals and agree to installing them in each and every bathroom. Besides just look how simple and tiny urinals can be.

Urinals + Washlet FTW.