Pwn The Net

The “success article” is what happens when the internet takes a shit. Everyone on the internet has come across a “success article” at some point and unfortunately some people have even been ignorant enough to follow the advice. There are actually entire websites filled with this excrement, and I feel that it’s time that I expose these charlatans and their fraudulent ways.

The “success article” actually makes success more difficult by lowering your IQ and recommending that you practice odd and stupid behaviors. The typical “success article” appears to be written by a middle school student and it is filled with irrational optimism and lies.

If you accidentally come across one of these articles it is strongly advised that you use your browsers back button. “Success article” writers tend to be the type of people to spam your email, telemarket your phone, and junk up your snail mail. Don’t give them any personal info…

You have been warned…

But for those of you who like to be at the bottom, the good news is that you too can be the next Matt Folly or Richard Hoover (Greg Kinnear in Little Miss Sunshine). Here is a “how to” on writing your very own success-list.

Come Up With A Number Between 4 and 20

You are going to need a catchy title that makes success seem really easy while also being very easy to read. A number between 4:20 will be perfect so pick a good one. Once you have the number then come up with a catchy “success title” that tells someone that they will have success.

“The 12 Most Valuable Parts To Success.” “10 Essential Steps on the Road to Success.” “How to Achieve Anything in 16 Steps.” You get the point.

Make Success Seem Counterintuitive and Difficult

In reality the word “success” is a very vague and arbitrary word defined by other vague and arbitrary words… (AKA success means whatever the fuck you want). For a “success article” you are going to make success seem counterintuitive and difficult. The trick is to stay as general as possible while also suggesting that your reader does not currently have success. By doing this you will ensure that your success article applies to every reader in every possible situation.

Example: “Success is achieved by accomplishing all your goals and desires, but attaining success can be a tough thing to grasp.” Or another: “The process of success at home, in work, or in society requires the cohesion of many moving parts, all which must be equally considered.”

Write a Short Motivational Speech

One more thing you’ll need before you start your list is the short motivational part. The motivational part will get your readers a little bit pumped-up and ready to read your whole list of things.

The best motivational speeches are filled with lies that no one bothers to point out. Here is a good one:

“Most people don’t think that they can have success, but this isn’t true. If you take a look at successful people they all have had one thing in common. They all believed that they were going to be successful even before they even started.”

I could go into the problems with the previous passage, but it’s not important. The point is that you encourage irrational optimism and belief with your motivational part.

Start Your List

Here are the things you will want to include on your list in no particular order:

• The Obvious

Putting down obvious things is a great way to fill a list. You cannot go wrong with items like: “Start At The Beginning,” “Work Hard To Get Things Done,” “Success Doesn’t Come Easy,” “Have Respect For Others.”

• The Plagiarized

These can be found on any “success article” so g’head and just copy some of these. “Set Goals,” “Don’t Procrastinate,” “Be Positive,” “Be A Leader.”

• Extremely Overused Clichés

No success list is complete without the addition of tired old clichés. “Create A Win-Win,” “Less Is More,” “There Is No Try, Only Do,” “Busy As A Bee,” “Go Against The Grain.”

• Bizarre Behaviors

To make your success list look genuine and different from the rest you’re going to need some bizarre behaviors. Anything that would embarrass a normal person in public will suffice. “Act Out The Things You Desire,” “Practice Success Thinking Everyday,” “Constantly Tell Yourself You’ll Be Successful,” “Imagine You Are Someone Else.”

• The Obscure

Another great list filler are the things that don’t actually mean anything, but still look genuine. Some examples are “Grow As A Person,” “Find Inspiration Fulfillment,” “Move Towards Abundance,” “See Opportunity Everywhere,” “Learn Things.”

• Contradicting Advice

Items that directly contradict each other are a requirement. “Be Flexible” & “Stand Your Ground,” or “Use Your Imagination” & “Don’t Daydream.”

• Unreasoned Positivism

Some people understand that blind optimism is very dangerous, but on this list don’t worry about being called out. Just like the motivational part, no one will ever point out your bad advice, especially not the “success article” reader. Remember that each additional positive item on your list will only make success seem that much easier. “Stay Positive,” “Optimize Your Happiness,” “Never Get Down On Yourself.”

Write In Brief Descriptions

Now under each item on the list you’re going to have to write an explanation. For this step you can restate the item, but be sure to use complete sentences and different words. If you still need more writing or want to write something different just come up with some generic reasons why they should follow the advice.

For example under the Item “Learn Things” you could write - “Read a book from people you admire and from whom you believe you can learn. Take a class or course. The world is changing so rapidly that if you don’t keep up, you will surely be left behind.”

Or how about “Create A Win-Win Situation” - “If you share something of value, people will naturally want to share things with you. Long-term success can only be achieved and found through the process of giving value.”

As you can see the descriptions are bullshit and don’t matter that much (most people will skip them anyway). Just be sure to write something down.

Find A Picture Or Two Of A Sublime Landscape

The grandeur of a mountain top, or the calmness of a large blue lake will work perfect for a “success article.” Even though these images have nothing to do with success, they are a staple of the “success article.”

Spam Your Success Article Everywhere

Now that you’ve finished your article it’s your duty as a “success article” writer to spam it down the throat of everyone on the internet. Submit your article over and over to sites like digg, stumble, and reddit, post links to your article on other peoples blogs and websites, and send out emails to everyone you know to get them to come see your article. Also make sure that all of the search engines have properly indexed your site by emailing them and checking the search results every hour.

You are now a successful “success article” writer and have caused the internet to drop another deuce. Congratulations.